The Dirty Word Divorce

A story of a woman's survival. With it a depth of growth and understanding. May her story be an inspiration to you.

My Story of Living and Growing from Sadness to Joy, Finding the True Self

May you see the blessings as you read on and may you feel inspired to unleash the true you. You’ve got this!

A bitter, despite an effort otherwise, divorce changed me. Changed me in so many ways. I am still changing and evolving but here is my journey shared with you in the hopes that when you are deep in despair know that there is hope. I have been there. You can find the strength and wisdom to persevere.

The following passage came to me through automatic writing and reflective journaling. The journaling theme is finding the root of the hidden sadness within me. (the early days may or may not entirely accurate…but the feelings are). I had no idea some of these deep wounds lay inside me.

And we begin:

Sadness locked deep inside of her, deep down that peaks up now and again. The sadness began at the beginning when she wasn’t really wanted. Mom didn’t really want another baby and dad was an angry unstable man.

She almost wasn’t born. Moms’ pregnancy was tough – all the blows to the stomach. Physical and emotional trauma plagued her and a deep sorrow and fear. The unborn baby felt it all. Mom cried as she bled but the child’s spirit was strong and held on. The baby's spirit knew this child had to be born. She entered this world pure, whole, complete and full of life despite expectations of dread. Pitiful eyes greeted her upon entrance into the world. Maybe they knew the depth of her struggles yet to come. A fighter, a resilient spirit born into a family of abuse and sorrow.

Despite her struggle to grow she became strong. A vivacious loving child with sorrowful eyes. Full of love to give yet the light inside tainted by hurt and neglect. Those formative years taught her to be good, behave, be quiet. She was a good girl following the rules obeying, never wanting punishments. The insults always came, emotionally and physically. The patterns followed this girl in school. The taunting, teasing, punishments and more.

This cycle continued always striving to fit in but not quite fitting the mold. Teenage years the alcohol helped her feel alive and lift the sorrow but it always crept back. Thriving academically made her feel proud but then inadequacy would creep in along with sadness.

Later years the sadness was just buried very deep and masked. The wounds would show deep inside but hidden well. Maturing emotionally coupled with spiritual learning and wellness took hold and unearthed the hidden demons. The journey of forgiveness and healing deep wounds took hold.

Fast forward.

That 25th wedding anniversary was very telling. So many tears, drama, upheaval. Not a blissful event as social media may portray. That last family Christmas together was devastating. Eye awakening. Deep depression came and her mind raced, what did she do wrong to deserve this?, tears, fear, anger, grief. It was a deep dark desolate place. The deepest hurt of all was abandonment. The family, her rock, no longer a source of strength. Utterly alone. Looking back, she knows her journey was meant to take this dreadful path.

As the days progressed, she felt more alone and depressed, her support vanished in a moment. Friends tried to fill the void but ultimately despite her exterior smile there was deep pain and anguish and a low she hopes to never feel again. Now she can understand depression, and why drugs or alcohol are a refuge for some. That desolate place she wishes for no one. With gratitude for the experience, she now can feel the depth of another’s pain. She honors them and respects them. Never to judge (we know not their pain). Sometimes life’s lessons are a struggle. It does make us stronger.

She prayed, she begged for help from above, the darkness was overwhelming. She was heard and the light lifted her from that deep dark hole. A decision needed to be made. A weekend away with angel immersion gave her the strength, the wisdom and the guidance she needed. It was the momentum needed to make the choice that shifted her entire life. Divorce was on her doorstep. She tried to revive what was dead and cried. Feelings of failure, unworthiness, not good enough all surfaced. The decision to “throw away” over 25years was heart wrenching. The signs were all around her and her blindness was lifted.

It took all her strength to take the steps to end a marriage that began with what she thought was an everlasting love. A spark that once was so alive with love passion and joy now extinguished and tainted with tears. A path she never saw coming. It was always happy ever after and by all outward appearances that is what it was. Still reeling with depression but able to see the light, she persevered alone.

That first Christmas she spent alone, her children chose dad. Utterly alone. Feelings of dread and despair. The light came and there was hope.

Times during the divorce process could be loving and amicable or fiery anger filled days. She suffered more (mental) abuse from the men in her life. Deep cutthroat words that another need never feel. Pain so deep like daggers to the heart from those she thought loved her. Love doesn’t stop because of divorce, it just changes. The new scars deeper and anguishing like nothing ever felt before. Spirit and Light held her together and guided her to rise above. Help from above initiated an armory of helpers.

That Mother’s Day luncheon gave her hope and strength. Gods helpers. With tears of sadness and joy the family love was palpable. Joy filled her heart. Never underestimate the power of prayer and the power of love.

Her family gave her stability when she felt the ground crumbling, they gave her hope when despair took hold and they gave her strength when her knees went weak. Thankfully other angels were along the way to build her strength and stability.

The union as husband and wife ended after a long tedious process. A deep regret lies within her that those little souls not meant to be hurt know how dear to her heart and the depth of her love for them.

They not yet understand how the depth of her pain and her sorrow led to the choices that divided them. A mother's love never dies, a bond never breakable, an everlasting undying love that grows with each passing day. A new more powerful rekindled love will awaken for them all. Love never dies.

In closing:

Life's experiences will keep us growing and expanding as long as we allow the process to flow. It is never-ending and when you see the depth of joy and love despite the struggles you will not fear the path.

My experience has brought me a new depth of understanding others. I feel more deeply and express more openly. I feel compassion burst from within me and the love flows freely from my heart. I have awakened a piece of me trapped. My soul now sings for joy.

My wish is that you too may feel joy and zest for life. A life that is vibrant with love, hope and vigor.